Sins of the Father

I’ve had a very unusual few days, and I’m really not sure how to deal with the emotions I’ve been battered with because of it.

As you know, I’m a parent and I try to be a good one, despite now being a 4-hr drive from them. I’m quite sure that, depending upon who you speak to, you’ll get differing opinions on that subject. I can say hand on heart I’ve done my very best for them both.

I have had some real difficulties with one of my adult (20 years old) children in the last 2 years. She has chosen to ignore all communication from Mrs Bob and almost everything from me for the last two years because we got her out of a potentially very dangerous situation that she was unaware of. She saw it that we had acted unnecessarily and still refuses to believe what we, and the Police, told her about someone she was staying with. This has been incredibly hard for both me and Mrs Bob to handle because she was especially close to Mrs Bob before this.

Then, in February 2019, she let me know, in one of her very few communications, that she was pregnant.

I won’t expand too much on that, but in the past year or so, as well as a resounding silence from her, we began to hear back from other people that she had been saying some terrible, harmful, untrue things about me. Some things that, if they are believed by anyone who doesn’t know me, could cause me extreme problems and upset. Then, when confronted by others about those lies, she blamed it on having Autism herself, which is simply not true. I was absolutely gutted that she would think of saying such awful things about me, which she knows are all complete lies. She has done similar to her older sister, who has created some distance between them, but not closed contact totally.

I got to the point where this was affecting my health badly, and I stopped trying to contact her. I had to, and she made no effort to contact us.

We speak to my other child and her own toddler every week on video chat and we treasure that relationship. We got occasional updates about my youngest through those chats with her sister. However, through that channel we found that my youngest was missing early ante-natal appointments, smoking, drinking, and had gone off the rails. There was nothing we could do, and it was hard for me to process how I felt.

Last week, though, we heard from her sister that my youngest had been taken into hospital and needed a c-section at 29 weeks, due to complications. My youngest did try to contact me but I was at work, and it was manic, so I couldn’t talk. I still intended to stick to my original decision of letting her get on with it because she has support from her mum, stepdad, and one lot of grandparents. She had made her bed, as far as I was concerned, and she had to lie in it. Lie being the operative word.

Then, out of the blue two days later, my eldest sent me two photos of a tiny red human being weighing not even 2lbs. I tried to call the hospital but was told they could not put me through. I couldn’t speak to her.

The photo totally and utterly floored me in a way I hadn’t expected. I was at work when I saw the picture, but I started to cry. Then I got a surge of anger, which Mrs Bob tells me is usually how I process all big emotions. Then I just went very quiet. My mind couldn’t keep up with all these different emotions fighting for control. I’m still trying to process them all as fast as they arrive but it’s futile, like trying to move the Sahara with a de(s)sert spoon.

I know I’m going to shut down all emotion around this now – i can feel it. It’s not a case of if, but whenbecause they’re just too big for me to be able to process. The thing is, I can’t figure out where to go from here. Do I just forgive my youngest for all the trouble she’s caused and the awful things she’s told people, and welcome the new arrival into the family? Going on past experience she will pay lip service to the word “sorry”, but won’t mean it or think about what she’s done, and will do similar again.

Or do I continue down the road I was already headed?

I pride myself on being very logical and I’m sometimes told that I can appear cold, but I’m so mentally exhausted and confused, I don’t know what to do. Mrs Bob has advised me, but I need more input.

Stay Safe X

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