I am nothing at all like

The devilish monster

You’ve painted on a

Canvas full of lies.

One more work of art,

Hanging side by side

With countless others,

Lining darkened walls.

Every one a violent

Reminder of wicked

Deeds inflicted. Always

On, but never by you?

Until you face your own

Ghosts, exorcise your

Demons, you’ll carry on

Adding portraits to this,

A never-ending gallery.

A memorial to your desperation.

Depression. Separation

Anxiety. Inside your mind.

Limelight

I wish I could go back to
When you didn’t even
Know my name. Now I’m
Trapped a nightmare.

Sleepless nights leave
Me constantly burnt out.
Thought I’d be happy, that
It’d cure my depression .

Watching my Illness in
Real time, I can’t lie.
Miss when time, felt
Like it was truly mine.

I’m sick of it all, you’re
Waiting for me to
Relapse, fall back
Into being the old me.

Made up your minds
Before even seeing
The way I am now, tired
Insecure, dying daily.

I miss when I didn’t
Have my therapist
On speed dial, scared
To explain how I feel.

Instead! I’ll reach for
A tablet, while you’re
Poking holes, instead
Of letting me float.

First off, I’d like to say that this is something that I would not normally write about under any other circumstances. However, I felt that I needed to speak out about this now. Trigger warning – this covers domestic abuse.

For some time now, I have been receiving anonymous messages from an individual or individuals who have taken to hiding behind the anonymity that the Internet provides them. They have made various wrong and hurtful accusations, and whilst this has been quite stressful, I have managed to mostly laugh them off because I know that they’re completely untrue and this is just vile people thinking they’re funny. Unfortunately, though, the accusations became more serious and those of domestic abuse were repeatedly levelled at me. While the other accusations were relatively easy to ignore, as I knew they weren’t true, the allegations of abuse hit me where it hurt.

This is because many years ago, an ex partner reported me to the Police for similar things. Thankfully, I was able to prove beyond any doubt that I was innocent. The charges were dropped and the woman was arrested for wasting police time. So imagine my horror when, many years later, the cowards hiding behind anonymity that were trying so hard to frighten me, started to level similar allegations of abuse, and said that they had given statements to the police with proof of my alleged crimes.

I’m not a perfect guy by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve never claimed to be anything other than a good guy who tries his hardest to help those he can. So the fact that I went through hell for over a year due to allegations like this, has brought it all back to me. This has caused me nightmares, anxiety and restarted my PTSD symptoms, because I know what happens… they arrest first, then you have to prove your innocence. So I’ve tried to keep it together. The big thing keeping me going was knowing that my friends, family and my GF all knew it was not true and would defend me. But mud sticks if you throw enough of it and these guys were slinging a lot.

What I want to say the person/persons who are doing this is… I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done to upset you so much that you feel so furious that you’ve tried to ruin my life. Yes, you’ve managed to get me angry and upset, but deep down I just pity you and your sad, pathetic excuse for a life. Why not be an adult and say it to me face to face or where you’re not hiding and I can reply to your accusations.

To those caught in the crossfire of these issues, I’m deeply sorry that any of you got caught in the blowback from this.

Stay safe x

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve come to the realisation that in this day and age of bloggers, YouTubers, influencers and all that jazz, that we live in an age where anyone, big or small, can have a voice, express opinions. etc. We really need to step back and think about what we’re doing more than ever. I mean, when I was in middle & high school I, alongside most of the kids, would either make fun of people or be the but of the bullying.

I, unfortunately, was the latter. My nicknames included Cheers Ears, Wingnut & mostly Pob because my ears stuck out. I’ve had plastic surgery to correct them, not for vanity but I couldn’t hear very well behind me. The only record of this and other things that were said is in the memories of those concerned. I doubt they’ll even remember it really. The point I’m making is that nowadays with Anti-Social media platforms being so popular that if it happened today, then someone could screen shot it, make it a meme … any number of things that once on the interwebs it’s difficult to remove them.

I myself have a responsibility in this respect, as I have a nice sized audience online. I would call on all of you to try to stop and think before you post something that could be misrepresented, misunderstood etc. You may think you’ve made yourself clear, you maybe angry at someone you don’t know on the net. Words can be taken a number of ways or your hurtful comment could be the final straw in someone’s struggle. I know we have free speech but let’s use it constructively.

I’ve been asked many times who I’m writing my scribbles about I’ve even had someone tell me to delete some because they (wrongly) thought it was about them. So I of all people should know that words have different meanings. Today however somebody took my words and went in a total two x two is six million tangent. It’s then that I realised after reading these hurtful words that maybe some people need to turn their tech off and reconnect with their humanity before it’s too late. It won’t deter me from interacting with all you lovely peeps, but it’s made me cautious

Stay Safe X

To all the victims of these ville creatures, i stand with you. While yelling fuck off back into the darkness you crawled out of you pathetic pos, to those who dwell under these digital bridges…

Once upon a time,
Fairytales told us that your
Kind hid under bridges;
Away from the decent
Folk in the kingdom.

Plotting your revenge;
Trying to crush our
Spirits; our dreams.
Hoping it will make
Your life feel whole.

Cloaked in your pain;
Sadness keeping you
Company while you lie
In wait; poised, ready to
Strike your next victim,

Feeding on each one.
Hoping that this meal
Will satisfy the hunger.
Filling the void where
Your heart should be.

Claws wrapping around
Each of your intended
Victims, while they
Desperately plead for
Deliverance from you.

Parents unable to protect
Their precious young ones.
Monsters no longer lurk
In cupboards or under beds;
Now, they’re much closer.

Times have changed.
Your kind have swapped your
Clip-clop bridges for basements
With Wi-Fi; trying to destroy
All our happy ever afters.

Just Stop.

This is a very touchy subject, it’s also one that people feel uncomfortable having, which can lead to self harm even suicide. I myself am a survivor & as such I wished I’d spoken out at the time. Silence Is what these creatures depend on, so while you may feel like you can’t tell anyone, you’ll thank yourself in the future. BC x

Hearts is racing, it’s beating,
Trying to escape My chest.
Fighting to breathe, trying

To catch my breath, it slips
Through sweat drenched
Palms. I can’t calm down

I’m terrified. Although you,
Maybe unable to see, it’s
Eating away at me, slowly

Clamps it’s hands over my
Lips. Forcing me to silence,
So I can never speak out.

About
The things you did

In a darkened room I sit
The tools of my trade
Precisely laid out like
Scalpels before a surgeon.

Even if they are not physical,
They have the same effect;
Cutting, healing maybe,
Sometimes even saving a life.

What are these tools of mine?
How can they do such things?
Much more than a pen; my words are
Sharper than any knife you’ll know.

My thoughts upon hearing someone tell me to “Cheer up”

1) Fuck off.

2) If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard that, I could afford that one therapy session that finally works.

3) Why do you say this stupid phrase? It’s as messed up and idiotic as telling someone to walk off a broken ankle.

4) If you want to question my thoughts and feelings, like you know my whole story, then don’t bother. Not everything can be solved with the phrase CHEER UP.

5) You cannot pray me out of this neurochemical state of depression and anxiety with some magical words. If it were scientifically possible, don’t you think I’d have tried that?

6) CHEER UP. Sorry, what’s that? I just need to get out more and party? How? By holding aloft my magic bottle and chanting the magical words CHEER UP I’m suddenly transformed into PARTY MAN? A happy, more confident, less anxious version of me?

7) How many men, women and sadly children must attempt to or sadly take their own lives before we realise that a cocktail of chemicals and that great verbal anti-depressant CHEER UP doesn’t work. We need real conversations not medications.

Shadow Boxing

Ladies and gentlemen
Tonight’s main event,
A hardcore, no-holds
Barred match. The
Winner, decided by
Pin-fall or submission.

Cowering in the red
Corner. Me, weighing
In at 210lbs, only if
You don’t count life’s
Problems, constantly
Weighing me down.

The challenger tonight,
Weighing in at sometimes
More than I’m able
To bear. Hailing from
The darkness inside
My mind… Depression.