The Tenant in My Chest Doesn’t Believe in Moving Out

What’s the best way to deal with negative thoughts?

If depression were a person—
I think I’d meet them at dawn.

Not noon,
not when the world is loud with pretending,

but dawn—
when the sky is still deciding
whether it wants to be light.

We’d sit somewhere quiet.
Somewhere the shadows
are still stretching their long black limbs
across the pavement.

And I’d ask—

Coffee?

Black.
Bitter.
The kind that tastes
like the inside of my chest.

And maybe we wouldn’t talk.

Maybe we’d just sit there
with silence
heavy enough
to fold over us like wet laundry.

Because some silences
don’t sit politely between people—

some silences
press down
like a lead blanket
you didn’t ask for
but can’t kick off.

And eventually
I’d look them in the eyes and say—

Why?

Why do you stay so long?

Why do you set up camp
in the corners of my mind
like you’ve signed a lease
with my worst thoughts?

Because you laugh in places
that used to echo with music.

You sit in rooms
that used to be full of friends.

You whisper things like:

You’re not enough.
You’re not enough.
You’re not enough.

And sometimes
I try to fight you.

My fists clench like punctuation marks.
I swing at the air
like anger might connect with something solid.

Every punch saying:

Leave.
Leave.
Leave.

But depression
is the kind of opponent
that doesn’t bruise.

It just waits.

Cold fingers wrapped around the ribs
like it’s checking
to make sure my lungs
remember how to struggle.

And sometimes
I don’t fight.

Sometimes I hide.

Under blankets.
Under excuses.
Under the quiet lie of

“I’m just tired today.”

The world outside becomes muffled—
like life is happening
through three closed doors
and a wall of water.

But the worst part?

You never leave.

You’re not a visitor.
You’re a roommate
who never pays rent.

Sometimes I run.

God, I run.

Feet pounding pavement
like I can outrun the gravity in my chest.

I chase small joys
like they’re fireflies—

laughter with friends
the color of sunrise
the sudden miracle
of feeling okay
for three whole minutes.

But you—

you are always
one breath
behind me.

Breathing doubt
into the rhythm of my pulse.

So I wonder…

What if instead
of fighting
or hiding
or running—

What if I invited you in?

Sat you down.

Poured you tea.

Listened.

Maybe you’d tell me
about all the broken places
you were born from.

Maybe I’d understand
how you twist my memories
into evidence—
how every mistake
becomes another stone
in the pockets of my chest.

And maybe
in that strange understanding
we’d become something like dancers—

two tired souls
moving in a slow, aching waltz
trying not to step
on each other’s pain.

But listen—

If depression were a person
standing in front of me
right now—

I wouldn’t destroy them.

I wouldn’t run.

I’d look them in the eye
and say:

I know you’re hurting too.

But you don’t get
to be my whole story.

And maybe—
just maybe—

we’d call a truce.

A fragile one.

The kind where light
slips through the cracks
in the walls you built.

The kind where hope
doesn’t roar—

it flickers.

Small.

Stubborn.

Like a candle
that refuses
to go out.

(c)BobChristian

I Keep Counting Anyway

Every morning
before the sun stretches itself across my window,
before my coffee tastes like anything but bitter,
happiness hides.

She’s crouched behind the blinds,
folded into the corner of yesterday’s pillow,
laughing quietly at me
as if I don’t know how to look for her.

I try.

I try like I know her favorite hiding spots,
like I know the exact way she breathes when she’s shy,
like I can coax her out with half-empty mugs
and songs that smell like home.

But she moves.

Slips under the fridge,
slides into the cracks of my bathroom tiles,
hides in the sound of my keys clattering
like she’s daring me to follow.

So I do.

I follow.

And sometimes,
just sometimes,
she peeks out
like a shy smile from a stranger in a crowded street.

For that moment,
my chest remembers what it’s like to be full,
and I swear
I hear the echo of her saying,

you found me again.

Then she disappears.

And I swear I’ll find her tomorrow.

Because happiness
isn’t something that knocks politely.

It is a professional hide-and-seek champion,
undefeated for as long as I’ve known her.

And me?

I am the kid counting with my eyes closed,
hands over my face,
promising the dark that I’m still playing.

Every morning,

before the day can tell me who I need to be,

I start searching.

(c)BobChristian

How to Build a Coffin Out of Silence

They keep saying “Man Up”

Like silence is some kind of sacrament.

Like swallowing your grief whole

Is how you earn your stripes.


But I’ve seen what that silence does.

I’ve seen it wrap around a neck,

Like a necktie turned noose.

I’ve seen boys hide their hearts, and call it manhood.


Boys don’t cry.

Nah.  They just punch walls.

Break their own knuckles.

Drink, hoping for a solution

Until it’s someone else’s problem.

Until it’s their funeral.


And we call that strength?


Eighty percent. That’s not a number.

That’s a mass grave. A choir of voices

That were only echoes. 

Just statistics.


Just “He was such a good guy.

He was always laughing…

Even after the desert stopped being a location

And started being an emotional state.”


We’re told to be tough,

But we’re never taught to be whole. 

Told to carry the weight,

Yet we’re never told how to put it down.


They call it manhood. I call it emotional malpractice.

And I’m done treating tenderness like a threat.

Done pretending that depression wears a hoodie.

And not a three-piece suit or a uniform.


Because mental health is not a solo act.

It’s a group text at 2am…

It’s “You good?

It’s “Nah, but thanks for asking.”

It’s therapy without shame.

It’s community without competition.

It’s crying in the open, but not being called broken.


So yeah… Man down is not a defeat.

It’s a signal flare.

A Mayday call.

A prayer we are finally brave enough to say out loud.


And if you’ve made it this far; your heart is still beating

Under all that armour (real or remembered),

And this is your permission…

To rest. To rage. To reach.


This is your poem. This is your mirror.

This is your reason to stay.

Because feeling isn’t failing.

It’s fighting back.

AEOS 1-5

The lovely folks at AEOS are running a Bank Holiday discount over the long weekend, where you can grab 50% off the cover price of this brilliant literature & culture magazine. There are some great issues to choose from and, not to brag, but I’ve been fortunate enough to have a piece featured in each of them.

Issues 1-5 Aeos

It’s a buy-one-get-one-half-price deal — just add the promo code AEOSM at checkout.

https://aeos.bigcartel.com/

Grab a copy today and step into something different.

Fragments of Light & Unfamiliar Roads

What a strange and wonderful day it’s been.

First, I found out I’d received another accolade from the Dark Poets Club, which honestly means a great deal to me. Then, almost out of nowhere, I was offered the chance to be an official photographer for this year’s Torbay Pride event.

Photography is still very new territory for me. I’ve always just pointed the camera at things that caught my eye and hoped for the best, so stepping into something official feels both exciting and slightly overwhelming.

Still… growth rarely happens in comfort zones, does it?

Here’s to new experiences, learning curves, and seeing where the lens takes me next.

Stay safe,
BC

Op Ghostwalk

Hands in Both our Pockets

They point at the shoreline
like the country is drowning in rubber boats.
Like the reason your rent fills you with panic
is a man crossing the sea, with wet shoes
and a phone number stitched into his jacket.


Meanwhile, somewhere far from the food bank queue,
a billionaire laughs into a glass of champagne
on a yacht big enough to have its own postcode.


They tell us to fear the poor.
Never the people pricing us out of our own lives.
Never the landlords collecting houses
like football stickers.
Never the companies recording record profits
while your gran chooses between heating and eating
because both are luxuries now.

They don’t build anything.
They just keep your eyes busy… 
Feed you someone to blame;
Someone close enough to touch.
Someone poorer, louder, stranger than you.

And while you’re choking on anger;
While you’re tricked into mistaking hatred for power,
the real thieves slip their billions quietly past,
carrying our tomorrow out the back door.

(c)BobChristian

Life of Shadows

Working on something a little darker than my usual scribbles lately, as I prepare for a possible upcoming competition.

Failing that, I’m thinking of gathering the whole collection together into a chapbook called Life Of Shadows — which, if I’m honest, feels like the perfect title for where my head’s been wandering creatively of late.

There’s something strangely cathartic about opening the door and letting the dark passenger stretch its legs for a while. Not in a destructive sense, more in the way storms clear the air. Poetry has always been part confession booth, part exorcism for me anyway.

Here’s one of the pieces from the series. It’s called The Garden Stirs, and I’m genuinely proud to say it was shortlisted for the Dark Poets Prize IV.

https://www.darkpoets.club/post/the-garden-stirs

The Gospel According to No-One

If you’re reading this,

it’s probably because the world has grown teeth again.

Sharp ones.

And someone, somewhere,

has mistaken their fear for scripture.


I want to tell you something,

and I want you to remember it

like your own name in your own voice.

You are not a mistake.

You are not a contradiction.

You are not a sin

that snuck past the gates of Heaven

wearing a hoodie, and hoping not to be seen.


You are divine

in ways the pages of their ancient book

forgot how to describe.

You are every sunrise

they never looked up to witness.

You are love

before it’s been broken down

into rules, revisions, and red tape.


Listen to me very carefully,

because the world won’t always say it this plainly.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Not your softness.

Not your sharpness.

Not the way your truth

refuses to fold itself

into smaller shapes

just to make other people comfortable.


Some people will try to turn

Their Deity into a weapon

and aim it at you.

So remember,

anything that demands your erasure

to prove its holiness

is neither holy, nor worth your time.


Their sermons

are not stronger than my love.

Their bigotry

is not bigger than your light.

You never have to shrink to survive,

not while I have breath.

I will always stand

between you and their stones.


I will always be the place

you can come back to,

even if your voice is shaking,

even if your hands are tired

from building yourself over and over

in the aftermath of their ignorance.

And if anyone tells you

that your existence is an offense to their God,

look them in the eyes, and tell them:


“My father (who art in Devon) taught me

that love doesn’t need permission.”

Love, After Life

We died.

Which is wild

because death is way too organized

for something that dramatic.

Clipboards.

Carbon copies.

A final “sign here please

on the dotted line of our chests.


Turns out

“‘til death do us part

wasn’t a metaphor –

it was a legally binding break-up clause.


Nobody warned me that love came

with terms and conditions.

Nobody told me that forever

had an asterisk the size of a heartbeat.


So now we’re single.

Technically.


Same café.

Same chipped mug.

Because habits are harder to kill than people,

and my heart still orders caffeine

like it never got the obituary.


You hover by the almond milk

like a multiple-choice question

we both answered wrong,

while we were alive.


You say, “hey!”

that thin, careful syllable

people use

when they’re not sure

they’re allowed to miss you yet.


Half-ghost.

Half-regret.

All the years we never unpacked.


You ask if I want to get coffee sometime…

like we didn’t already share toothbrushes,

like eternity didn’t just hit

the reset button

and hand us amnesia with good lighting.


I laugh… and

spill my whole damn soul on the counter.

Then say something stupid.

Because love has always turned me

into a human typo.


I say,

Only if you’re buying”.


And just like that,

we’re dating again.


Not because we’re lonely.

Not because we’re scared of the silence.


But because even death

looked at us and said,

Yeah… I don’t know where to file this”.


Some loves just don’t end.

They only lose their bodies;

learn how to haunt politely,

and keep showing up

Because the universe

forgot to evict them.


(c)BobChristian