Becoming the Men Who Built Me

There’s a strange thing that happens as you get older.

You spend most of your youth trying desperately to become your own person — carving out your own identity, your own voice, your own little corner of the world. 

You swear blind you’ll never become your parents, never pick up the odd habits of your grandparents, never start saying things like:

“Don’t leave that light on, it’s like Blackpool illuminations in here.”

And then one day…

You catch yourself doing exactly that.

For me, it happened in the shed.

Now, if you’ve read my ramblings before, you’ll know there’s always a shed somewhere in the story. Like some recurring side character that quietly steals the scene. But sheds aren’t really about wood and nails and rusty hinges, are they?

Not really.

They’re memory boxes.

Little sanctuaries built out of timber, silence, and inherited habits.

When I was younger, both my grandads had sheds — though, much like the men themselves, they were completely different worlds.

My maternal grandad, Walter was a  retired firefighter and gentleman of the old school variety, had a shed that smelled of compost, damp wood, and honest work. Plant pots stacked everywhere. Garden canes leaning in corners. Twine, tools, and jars full of screws that “might come in useful one day.”

There was always an old bit of carpet on the floor.


Always a greenhouse nearby.
Always tomatoes growing somewhere.

His shed wasn’t tidy by modern standards, but it made sense in the way only a working man’s shed can. Every object had a purpose. Every scratch and stain told a story.

And him?

He was happiest there.

Not because it was an escape from life —
but because it was life.

Quietly creating.
Quietly fixing.
Quietly tending.

Then there was my paternal grandfather Sydney — a former Rolls Royce engineer with the larger-than-life personality and a shed that felt more like a workshop for some eccentric inventor. Freezers, tools, cables, bits of machinery, shelves packed with things no child understood but instinctively believed were important.

He approached life like an engineer and a comedian trapped in the same body.

One minute he’d be discussing something technical enough to launch a rocket, and the next he’d be making ridiculous noises or blowing raspberries just to make us laugh.

And somehow, despite being worlds apart, both men found peace in exactly the same place.

A shed.
A chair.
Something to tinker with.
A bit of quiet.

Funny, that.

Now I’m older — older than I ever imagined myself becoming when I was young and invincible — I’ve realised I’m becoming a strange hybrid of both of them.

I’ll spend one afternoon carefully organising tools and muttering about “doing the job properly,” then the next I’m wandering around annoying Mrs Bob with terrible jokes and sound effects like a man who’s escaped supervised care.

I catch myself polishing shoes properly.
Taking pride in appearance.
Pottering in the garden.
Sitting in the shed just listening to the rain on the roof.

And honestly?

I don’t mind it one bit.

Because the older I get, the more I realise inheritance isn’t always money, property, or genetics.

Sometimes inheritance is smaller than that.

It’s habits.

Expressions.

Ways of sitting quietly with yourself.

The understanding that peace can sometimes be found with a mug of coffee in a shed while the world carries on without you for half an hour.

My own shed these days is a mixture of both men.

There’s the practical side — tools, chargers, bits of wood I refuse to throw away because they might become useful in approximately seventeen years time.

Then there’s the softer side.

A chair.
A rug.
A notebook.
A place to write scribbles that occasionally become poetry.

It’s not glamorous.
It’s not Pinterest-worthy.
And it certainly wouldn’t survive one of those minimalist home makeover shows.

But it’s mine.

And somewhere in its walls live echoes of both the men who helped shape me.

The firefighter with soil on his hands and kindness in his heart.

And the engineer with a sharp mind and an even sharper sense of humour.

Maybe becoming your grandparents isn’t something to fear after all.

Maybe, if you’re lucky, it’s something to be grateful for.

Because one day you realise the people you loved never really leave.

They remain in the small things.

In the way you make tea.
In the way you speak.
In the habits you never consciously chose.

Or in the way you smile quietly to yourself while sitting in a shed on a warm afternoon, completely at peace for the first time all week.

Stay safe

Bc

The Poetry That Saved My Life

What are you passionate about?

People often ask me what I’m passionate about.

The answer usually surprises them.

Sure, I love comic books. I love photography. And I’m definitely passionate about Mrs Bob—but that’s a story for another day.

The thing that truly sets my soul on fire is poetry and mental health awareness.

At first glance, they might seem like two completely different worlds. One is art. The other is survival.

But for me, they’re inseparable.

Because poetry helped save my life.

More than twenty years ago, I wasn’t the happy, well-adjusted bloke many people know today. In truth, I was a mess. My mental health was spiralling dangerously out of control. I was drinking heavily, drowning emotions I didn’t understand, and convincing myself that I had to carry every burden alone.

Like many men of my generation, I believed I had to “man up.”

Keep quiet.

Stay strong.

Don’t talk about it.

But silence can be a dangerous thing.

There were times when the darkness became so overwhelming that I tried to end my life. More than once.

Eventually, after waking up in the resuscitation room of my local hospital following one particularly close call, something shifted inside me. Looking back now, I realise it was a crossroads.

I could continue pretending everything was fine until it killed me.

Or I could ask for help.

I chose help.

Not because I was brave.

Not because I suddenly had all the answers.

But because I looked at my two young children and realised I couldn’t leave them growing up without a father.

For the first time in my life, I stopped trying to fight alone.

One of the professionals helping me suggested I start writing down my thoughts and emotions. The idea was simple: get the chaos out of my head and onto paper so I could begin to understand it.

At first, I filled notebook after notebook with late-night scribbles. Thoughts. Fears. Anger. Pain. Hope. Anything that was bouncing around inside my head.

Then something unexpected happened.

As I read back through those pages, I started arranging some of the words into verses. The emotions were still raw and chaotic, but now they had rhythm and shape.

It wasn’t poetry as I know it today.

It was closer to rap lyrics.

But it was the beginning.

The real turning point came when I wrote a piece for a family member’s naming ceremony. Afterwards, people kept asking me where I’d found the poem.

When I told them I’d written it myself, they seemed genuinely surprised.

And so was I.

For the first time, I allowed myself to think:

Maybe I’m a poet.

Over the following two decades, I spent countless hours learning, practising, refining and developing my craft. Every poem taught me something new—not just about writing, but about myself.

In the early days, poetry was my pressure valve.

A way of releasing everything that threatened to consume me.

My work was dark.

Unflinching.

Sometimes uncomfortable.

I wrote about depression, self-harm, suicide and the realities of living with poor mental health. Topics many people preferred not to talk about.

But those conversations mattered.

They still do.

Today, my writing covers a wider range of subjects. There’s more light alongside the darkness. More hope alongside the pain.

Yet mental health remains close to my heart.

Particularly men’s mental health.

I’ve been inspired by some incredible slam poets and advocates who have used their voices to challenge the outdated belief that men should suffer in silence. The idea that being strong means never showing vulnerability. The lie that asking for help is weakness.

Because it isn’t.

Real strength is speaking up.

Real strength is reaching out.

Real strength is staying.

The truth is that there are countless blokes out there who are fighting battles nobody else can see. Men who smile on the outside while struggling desperately on the inside. Men who believe they’re alone.

They’re not.

And that’s why I keep writing.

Because somewhere, someone might be reading these words and recognising a piece of themselves.

Someone who feels exhausted.

Someone who feels trapped.

Someone who is standing closer to the edge than anyone realises.

If my poetry, my story, or my words can make just one person pause for a moment and choose to talk to someone—anyone—instead of suffering alone, then every difficult chapter of my journey has been worthwhile.

Because poetry didn’t just give me a voice.

It gave me a future.

And if sharing that future helps someone else find theirs, then I’ll keep writing for as long as I have words left to write.

Stay safe

Bc

How to Build a Coffin Out of Silence

They keep saying “Man Up”

Like silence is some kind of sacrament.

Like swallowing your grief whole

Is how you earn your stripes.


But I’ve seen what that silence does.

I’ve seen it wrap around a neck,

Like a necktie turned noose.

I’ve seen boys hide their hearts, and call it manhood.


Boys don’t cry.

Nah.  They just punch walls.

Break their own knuckles.

Drink, hoping for a solution

Until it’s someone else’s problem.

Until it’s their funeral.


And we call that strength?


Eighty percent. That’s not a number.

That’s a mass grave. A choir of voices

That were only echoes. 

Just statistics.


Just “He was such a good guy.

He was always laughing…

Even after the desert stopped being a location

And started being an emotional state.”


We’re told to be tough,

But we’re never taught to be whole. 

Told to carry the weight,

Yet we’re never told how to put it down.


They call it manhood. I call it emotional malpractice.

And I’m done treating tenderness like a threat.

Done pretending that depression wears a hoodie.

And not a three-piece suit or a uniform.


Because mental health is not a solo act.

It’s a group text at 2am…

It’s “You good?

It’s “Nah, but thanks for asking.”

It’s therapy without shame.

It’s community without competition.

It’s crying in the open, but not being called broken.


So yeah… Man down is not a defeat.

It’s a signal flare.

A Mayday call.

A prayer we are finally brave enough to say out loud.


And if you’ve made it this far; your heart is still beating

Under all that armour (real or remembered),

And this is your permission…

To rest. To rage. To reach.


This is your poem. This is your mirror.

This is your reason to stay.

Because feeling isn’t failing.

It’s fighting back.

One Submission at a Time

What fears have you overcome and how?

For a long time, the biggest obstacle I faced wasn’t a lack of ability—it was believing I belonged. Like many writers, I wrestled with imposter syndrome and the fear of rejection, convinced my scribbles weren’t quite good enough to share.

 Thankfully, Mrs Bob saw something in them that I couldn’t see in myself and encouraged me to start submitting my work. 

Slowly, publication by publication, award by award, that little voice of doubt has begun to lose its grip.

 It still whispers from time to time, but these days I’ve learned to answer it with evidence.

 Sometimes overcoming fear isn’t about becoming fearless; it’s about having the courage to take the next step anyway. 

Stay safe,

Bc.

The Ordinary Things That Matter Most

What personal belongings do you hold most dear?

This is actually a tricky one…

I’m sure people expect the obvious answers. My wedding ring, some ancient family heirloom passed down through generations, baby photos, or maybe some ridiculously rare comic hidden away in a protective sleeve somewhere.

Truth is, it’s much simpler than that.

My old DSLR camera and my mobile phone.

Now before anyone rolls their eyes and mutters something about modern technology taking over our lives, hear me out.

My DSLR was my first “proper” camera. Not the fanciest bit of kit in the world, not one of these eye-wateringly expensive setups professional photographers use. But it was mine. The camera that taught me how to look at the world differently. The one that came with enough lenses and buttons to confuse me for several weeks straight.

It also helped me capture my first proper moon shots, which honestly felt like a tiny personal victory against the universe itself.

Worm Moon (March 3rd)

I still pretend I know what I’m doing with photography, by the way. Half the time I’m just pressing buttons and hoping for the best. Occasionally though, the universe rewards me with something beautiful.

As for my phone, it’s less about social media and doom-scrolling and more about the fact it’s basically my portable life support system at this point.

It’s got my emails, banking, contacts, calendars, reminders and enough important information on it that losing the thing would probably send me into cardiac arrest.

The social media side of it? I could honestly live without that quite happily.

Now, honorary mention…

My first magazine publication.

That moment mattered more than I can probably explain properly. Seeing my words printed for the first time was the moment I stopped feeling like someone who just scribbled random thoughts into notebooks and started believing maybe — just maybe — I was actually a poet.

Or at the very least…

A Scribblologist.

Stay safe
Bc

“This Poem Ends every 40 Seconds”

Years ago, I learned some truly shocking statistics about suicide—800,000 lives lost every year. That’s one life every 40 seconds. It’s a deeply uncomfortable topic, but it’s one we can’t keep ignoring.

The truth is, suicide is the leading cause of death for men between 20 and 49. And while this affects all men, over 60% of newly-diagnosed autistic adults report having suicidal thoughts.

These numbers are devastating. We’re finally starting to talk more about mental health, but there’s so much more to be done to prevent people from reaching that point. To remind them they’re not alone.

I nearly became a fucking statistic so many times. 

“This Poem Ends Every 40 Seconds”

Every forty seconds
someone ends their own life.

Not a metaphor.
Not a number on a website.
person.
A real human soul
punched out like a clock card,
because the noise in their head
was louder than any help ever offered.

Forty seconds.
By the time you finish reading this stanza,
someone else is gone.

But we don’t talk about it.
Not really.
We whisper it behind closed doors,
use soft words
like “passed away,”
or “lost them,”
as if they just wandered off into the woods
and forgot to come home.

Mental illness is still a dirty word.
Still something we hide in drawers
with old medication bottles
and family secrets.

We tell people
to “reach out”
but give them nothing to grab onto.

We applaud strength
but punish vulnerability.
We ask, “How are you?”
but only want to hear
“I’m Fine.”

We romanticize broken artists
but ignore the broken people
in our inboxes.
At our dinner tables.
In the mirror.

Some of us scream with silence.
Perfectly dressed.
Perfectly functional.
Perfectly invisible.

The truth is
we lose more people
to quiet despair
than to war or violence.
And still,
we treat therapy like a confession booth,
instead of healthcare.
Still,
we treat emotion like weakness,
and stoicism like bravery.

It’s not brave
to bottle the storm.
It’s brave
to name it.
To say, “I’m not okay.”
To cry in daylight.
To take meds,
see a shrink,
open the wound
and not apologise for bleeding.

If you think this is heavy,
good.
It’s fucking supposed to be.

Because someone you love
is already counting the seconds.
And they don’t need a pep talk.
They need
a world that listens 
before the silence becomes permanent.

(c)BobChristian

Twenty-Five Past Eternity.

Staring at the clock, it mocks my plight.
Five minutes left, or so it claims,  
But time has turned to molasses;
Every tick a tiny giggle,  
As my coffee grows cold,  and
My chair re-forms to my shape.  
It’s then that I ponder
The deeper questions,
Like if I can train my stapler to fetch,  
Or if the printer is secretly plotting against me?

Words, & Illustrations (c)BobChristian

Anxiety

Anxiety by Bob W Christian

There’s a demon
Inside my head.
I see him, hiding
In a dark corner
Of my mind.

Lurking, his blood
Red eyes, he’s hungry;
Waiting to be fed.
Once again, slowly
Stalking me.

Desperate, hungry.
Feeding off the pitch
Black darkness, pain
I’ve got hidden deep
Within me.

Consuming every last
Bit of light within me,
Until he wins, and I’m
Completely lost to my
Demons.

(C)BobChristianpoetry

45

“45”

The greatest trick this devil ever pulled
wasn’t smoke, wasn’t mirrors—
it was the algorithm.


It was teaching you to doubt your own pulse.
Convincing you the fire alarm is just
background noise.
Convincing you the cage is a corner office
with a flattering filter.


Perception becomes policy.
Policy becomes posture.
Posture becomes prayer.

And suddenly
up is a rumor,
down is a conspiracy,
and truth is a freelance contractor
waiting on late payment.

We scroll past the smoke.
We double-tap the collapse.
We outsource our outrage
to a headline written in disappearing ink.

No one stops to ask
why the air tastes metallic.
No one wants to inventory
an unpleasant existence—
it’s easier to binge another distraction,
another blue-lit anesthesia
dripping from the ceiling of the feed.

Facts grow thinner.
So thin they’re transparent.
So transparent they pass through bone
without resistance.


You blink—
and the blink is curated.
You blink—
and the world has been gently rearranged
like furniture in a house you swear you know.

They call it perspective.
They call it balance.
They call it both sides.

But it feels like standing in a funhouse
where every mirror insists
you are the distortion.

And somewhere, softly—
almost kindly—
a voice says:

Don’t think too hard.
Don’t look too long.
This is normal.
This is fine.
This is freedom.


We repeat it
because repetition feels like stability.
We repeat it
until the echo sounds like evidence.

So tell me—


When the ground shifts
and the headlines applaud,
when the lie wears a flag
and the truth wears fatigue,

is it all fake news—


or did we just forget
how to see?

(c)BobChristianpoetry