Around two decades ago, following the advice of a therapist, I decided to write my feelings down in a journal. I was having some trouble in processing my emotions, and the therapist believed it would help me.
I did this for a while, and gradually, I began to take the things I’d written, and turned them into what I called scribbles, but the very few people I showed called it poetry.
These original ideas were fundamental in helping me make sense of what would turn out, ten years later, to be a formal diagnosis of Autism and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The therapist was right … my scribbles really did help me to process and explain my feelings. I started writing more earnestly, sometimes for family members, but I mostly hid them away for myself. It was only after reading a piece I had written and performed about my niece when I became one of her responsible adults (godparent) that people asked me where I’d found that piece of poetry. I was genuinely surprised at how complimentary they were, and it made me think that maybe I could write more, and start sharing it wider.
I kept writing until I had enough to put together in a book, which I called Behind the Mask. I also took a pseudonym, as I was writing about some very personal and emotional stuff. My pen name was based on a man who meant the world to me – my first real male role model; my maternal grandfather, W S Christian. Incidentally, I really don’t like that book now, as it was very rough, basic and extremely angry. It reflected where I was in my life at that time (2004).
I had neither read poetry previously, nor had any interest in it, other than writing it as a means to help myself mentally. However, that changed when I came across a group of poets on YouTube from the Button Poetry stable. Neil Hilborn and another poet called Guante, aka Kyle Tran Mhyre. These people weren’t producing the “Lonely as a cloud” type old-style works that I thought of as ‘real’ poetry. This was fresh, angry, and discussed topics of mental health and other societal issues.. things that really resonated with me. I was hooked. After listening to Guante’s poem “Ten responses to the phrase man up” I wrote my own version, called “Cheer up”. I was so sick of people telling me that I needed to think happy thoughts to cure my suicidal depression. People who didn’t grasp the concept of clinical depression, and it made me really furious. Guante, thank you for the inspiration, and I sincerely apologise for my effort back then!
Twenty years and one hell of a lot of hard work later, after many late nights and frank discussions with my ‘creative director’ over the direction of my work, and if I’m honest, me being a total diva at times, I feel as if I’m evolving into the kind of poet I’ve longed to be, I’m writing slam style free verse poems about things that matter to me and my peers, or current affairs. I’ve finally found my voice, and I need to now try to use it as a force for good.
As part of that evolution, I’ve done live reads at literary festivals and been named on a poster for an event, and published five poetry books. More recently, thanks to the encouragement of my wife, (the lady you all call Mrs Bob) I’ve had the courage to submit my work for competitions and publications.
So far I ’ve had a couple of the pieces I submitted accepted for various literary projects, I’ve had an honorable mention in another competition., and I’m not finished yet. This year, I’ve made it my mission to really go for it and see what I can achieve.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you believe in yourself the way others believe in you , you will achieve so much more than you ever dreamed possible. Who knows, one day I may be able to do this writing full time – that’s the dream. Live performances are always going to be difficult for me, due to my condition, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
I want to say thank you… to the people that inspire me, the people that believed in me, and ones who’ve supported me. I appreciate it so much.
Stay Safe
BC
The Ramblings of Bob Christian 