This is an open letter, I sent to my sperm donor sorry biological father, after years of wanting to say how I felt towards him. (Note I’ve edited out names & places to protect innocent parties)

Father

Well, I say ‘father’, but let’s face it, you haven’t been a father to me, have you?  You walked out on us all, but worse, only a few years ago, I was told that after Grandad, your father, died, you had instructed your legal official that I am “not a member of the family, he’s just someone who’s tacked my name onto the front of his surname, for financial gains”. You formally disowned me as your child. 

My only memories of you are of an almost bipolar-type parent. One minute you were coming in from work all smiles and laughter – play fighting; the next, throwing plates at the wall and using it as an excuse to storm out and go to back to the pub. The rages and violence to mum and me only stopped  when you finally snuck out of the family home while I slept, on the night before Mother’s Day. A nice touch. 

You had left to go to your new family – your new girlfriend, her kids and my half-sister. You let me stay with you, until she made you choose between them and me. Of course, you chose them, and you left me at my mother’s, in the garage, with a damaged watch and some money to ring you if mum didn’t turn up. She did, of course. She always did turn up. 

I’m angry that you discarded me so easily, without a thought.

I’m angry at the repeated broken promises you made to me as a young child. Repeatedly failing to show up to spend time with me at weekends. I’m sure you always had an excuse handy, but I waited for hours for you and you never showed up.

You refused to pay your fair share for your children… me and my little sister. I remember so clearly how you would wait until the very last point… until the bailiffs were taking action to make you pay the maintenance you were required to pay. Then, and only then, making the minimum payment, so that the games could continue.

When I split from the mother of my two children, I went without food to make sure they had what they needed. That’s what a decent parent does, but I guess you don’t understand that.

All that combined is pretty low by anyone’s standards, but to have yet another child by a third woman, and tell her she’s an only child when she is actually one of FOUR, is simply cowardly and disgraceful. Your own parents told me they thought that was despicable.

I’ve nothing against my half sisters, it’s not their fault. It’s yours. You have denied your children the chance to know each other as children, and fed misinformation to the youngest. Fake news has nothing on you.

Anyone might think that I’d be messed up by all these things and your serious drink problem. I’m the eldest and remember much more about your behaviour than my little sister. Well, I’d like to say two things to you……

1) Thank you, for showing me how NOT to do things as a parent. I’m by no means the perfect father – I have made mistakes like any man. But I have learned from my mistakes and accept responsibility for them. You do not, and never have. I have learnt from all of your vile behaviour about how to look after and support my offspring financially and emotionally. I know how to be a decent and loving father and grandfather. You have missed out on so much.

2) Despite everything negative that you’ve done, and all the things you haven’t done as a father, grandfather and great grandfather, I wish you no ill will. I’ve had my own tough times but I’ve become a well-balanced, happy and stable individual. I’ve made a successful career, have a wonderful life near the sea.

I want you to know that I forgive you. I feel sorry for you and your struggles with alcohol. It’s a battle you’ve fought hard since I was a small child and it’s an illness. I hope that one day you’ll get some help, and maybe find clarity, strength and some inner peace from the demons that still haunt you.