How do you stay resilient in hard times?

People often talk about resilience as though it’s something you’re either born with or you’re not.

As though some people are naturally equipped to deal with life’s challenges while the rest of us are left desperately trying to work out where the instruction manual is.

I’m not entirely convinced that’s how it works.

For me, resilience comes from experience.

And sometimes, those experiences are bloody awful.

You see, when you’ve reached a point in your life where depression has taken you so close to ending it that you’ve almost succeeded, something changes inside you.

I’ve been there.

I’ve experienced that level of darkness where getting through another day feels like an achievement in itself. Where your own mind becomes somewhere you desperately want to escape from. Where the future seems so impossibly bleak that imagining a better one feels almost ridiculous.

But here’s the thing.

I survived.

And more than that, I slowly rebuilt my life.

Not overnight.

Not through some magical moment of enlightenment where everything suddenly fell into place.

It took time.

It took help.

It took a fair amount of stubbornness.

And probably more than a few occasions when I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.

But I kept going.

Looking back, I think that’s where a lot of my resilience comes from.

I’ve already experienced what I once thought was the worst life could possibly throw at me. I’ve had to pick myself up from a place I genuinely wasn’t sure I would ever escape.

And having done that, I suppose I’ve developed a different perspective on difficult times.

When something goes wrong now, I don’t necessarily assume it’s the end of the world.

I’ve already lived through some pretty dark chapters.

I know what rock bottom looks like.

And I know that it doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of the story.

That’s not to say I don’t struggle.

Of course I do.

I’m human, after all.

I still have difficult days. I still get frustrated, disappointed, anxious and occasionally wonder what the universe has got against me.

But I think there’s a difference between experiencing difficult times and believing that difficult times are all there is.

And that’s where my spiritual side comes into play.

One of the things I’ve learned through my own spiritual journey is the importance of perspective.

I’m not suggesting that spirituality magically makes life’s problems disappear. If only it were that simple.

But it does give me a way of looking at things differently.

There’s a thought I often come back to when things get difficult.

This second isn’t as bad as the last one.

And if this second isn’t as bad as the last one, perhaps there’s a little progress happening.

Perhaps things are changing, even if I can’t see the bigger picture yet.

It’s a reminder that life happens one moment at a time.

We spend so much of our lives worrying about what might happen tomorrow, replaying what happened yesterday and forgetting that we’re actually living right now.

Sometimes, all we need to do is get through the moment we’re in.

Not the whole week.

Not the next six months.

Just this moment.

Then the next one.

And the next.

There’s something quite liberating about recognising that you don’t have to solve your entire life before lunchtime.

Another thing I’ve learned is that resilience doesn’t mean doing everything alone.

For years, there’s been this ridiculous idea that being strong means keeping everything bottled up, putting on a brave face and getting on with it.

Particularly for men.

We’re often brought up with the notion that admitting we’re struggling somehow makes us weaker.

Absolute rubbish.

Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit that you’re not coping.

Ask for help.

Talk to someone.

Let somebody stand beside you for a while.

I know from personal experience that rebuilding your life isn’t something you necessarily manage on your own. Sometimes other people see something in you that you’ve temporarily forgotten how to see in yourself.

And there’s no shame in that.

In fact, I’d argue there’s enormous strength in recognising when you need a hand.

I also think resilience comes from learning not to measure your life against somebody else’s.

We all have different battles.

Different histories.

Different things that keep us awake at night.

What feels manageable to one person might be overwhelming to another, and that’s perfectly okay.

You don’t have to justify your struggles to anybody.

And you certainly don’t have to compete over who has had the hardest life.

Life isn’t the bloody Olympics.

We’re all just trying to get through it in the best way we can.

So, how do I stay resilient when times get hard?

I remember where I’ve been.

I remind myself how far I’ve come.

I lean on my spirituality when I need a little perspective.

I try to appreciate the small things rather than constantly worrying about the big things.

And, perhaps most importantly, I remind myself that a bad day doesn’t mean I’ve got a bad life.

Because I’ve learned something through all those years of struggling, falling down and slowly putting myself back together.

Resilience isn’t about never falling apart. It’s about discovering that falling apart doesn’t have to be where your story ends.

I wouldn’t wish my darkest experiences on anybody.

But I can’t deny they’ve changed me.

They’ve given me perspective.

They’ve taught me compassion.

They’ve made me more aware of the battles other people might be fighting behind perfectly ordinary smiles.

And they’ve given me a determination not to waste the life I’ve fought so hard to rebuild.

Does that mean I’ve got everything figured out?

Not a chance.

I’m still learning.

Still making mistakes.

Still occasionally wondering what the hell is going on.

But I’m here.

And sometimes, that’s a pretty bloody good starting point.

If you’re reading this and you’re going through a difficult time, please remember that you don’t have to be strong every minute of every day.

You don’t have to pretend you’re okay.

And you don’t have to face everything alone.

Reach out. Talk to somebody. Accept a little help.

There is no weakness in wanting to stay.

Your current chapter isn’t necessarily your final chapter.

And who knows?

The life you haven’t yet imagined might turn out to be rather wonderful.

Stay safe.

Bc