As we near the shortest day of the year, The Winter Solstice, and, more importantly (to me) my wedding anniversary, I usually write a scribble with Mrs Bob in mind. After all, a poem is for anniversaries, not just for valentines. So with that in mind, I give you…

Your Smile, the First Magic I Ever Believed In

Your smile is the kind of spell

That doesn’t ask permission. 

It just shows up,

Soft as a sunrise;

Huge as a meteor;

Certain as breath;

And suddenly, the whole room forgets

Whatever storm it was carrying. 

---

I swear, when you smile, gravity gets confused. 

The air lifts as if remembering an old song,

And my heart – that stubborn, earthbound,

Boots-in-the-mud heart –

Starts flipping like it got tired of pretending it doesn’t care. 

---

People talk about magic as if it’s hiding in a forest, 

Or pressed between book pages,

Or locked behind ghosts with Latin names. 

But magic – real magic –

Is simpler than all that myth-making. 

---

It’s the way your mouth curves like a crescent moon;

Teaching the dark how to unclench.

It’s the way the corners of your eyes crinkle

Like tiny arrows pointing to a doorway

Into warm-lit rooms,

Where love leans back and offers you a seat. 

---

Every time you smile,

Something in my chest loosens.

Like kindness remembering its own pulse;

Like hope peeling off its armour.

Because, for once, 

The world has stopped swinging at me. 

---

There are still sparks that refuse to go out. 

Still reasons to inhale at beauty. 

So, if you ever wonder what you are to me, know this :-

Your smile is the first magic I ever trusted…

The one spell I hope I never stop

Falling

Under. 

(C)Bob W Christian

---

I’ve spent most of the last decade trying to make a career in an industry in which, let’s be frank, someone on the autism spectrum like me probably doesn’t belong.

Working in customer-facing roles in hospitality, has pushed me way out of my comfort zone, and at times it’s been a huge struggle. Sometimes I’ve been pushed to the point of physical and mental exhaustion, especially during the extremely busy times in summer, But I’ve never given up – I have kept trying and I’ve worked hard at trying to understand all the subtle social stuff: facial expressions, workplace politics and all the things that your average neurotypical person seems to find so easy to understand.
I am proud to say that during my time in this demanding industry, I’ve managed to hold managerial positions. The thing with being in that type of position is that I find some things very difficult.
One – the hours: I’ve been at work for an average of ten and half hours a day, five days a week, always working evenings and Bank Holidays, and often, weekends too. This may not sound much, but when you’re constantly having to socialise – or to “people” as I like to put it – this can be incredibly draining.

Two – the “Peopling” itself. I pride myself on being able to interact with the public – trying to understand them and the subtle hints they drop about things. It’s another thing entirely to spend all day trying to mask and pass yourself off as neurotypical. It makes it even harder when you find that customers have left reviews commenting on my inability to hold eye contact or taste the beer myself (as I’m coeliac and therefore allergic to wheat and barley).
Three – I find it difficult to understand some rather fluid rules. Normally rules are easy to follow. It’s not hard to understand that if you drive drunk, you’ll be arrested and lose your license. But some rules in the hospitality trade seem to be very flexible, and if you get it wrong, it can be a massive deal. Rules that apply to most customers, don’t apply to regulars, or those who the owners know and like. It’s like saying that on certain days, or in a particular coloured car, speeding is acceptable, but those special days and colours can change, without warning. That’s how I feel when I’m told we have certain rules then I’m expected to be able to know when and who those do and don’t apply to. I think even a neurotypical would struggle with this.

All of these things cause me to realise that maybe I would be better in a role where there are set (but not too many) hours, and the rules apply to everyone and everything. I think I could also do better in any given job if people above me were not just aware I’m autistic, but also know how to manage it and maybe even help me develop. I can show them what qualities and positives someone on the spectrum can bring to the table.

So, in light of the current pandemic situation, and the fact that both Mrs Bob & I are at high risk due to lung issues, I’ve made the difficult & emotional decision that it’s time to call last orders on this chapter in my life. It’s a time I will look back on with great nostalgia and a sense of accomplishment that I’ve managed to achieve things that years earlier I would have never thought possible.

I would like to thank those people who took a chance on me and allowed me to show them (and myself) what I am capable of.
It’s time now for a complete career change, and possibly a return to my science and aerospace engineering background. I’m not sure yet. So stay tuned and above all…
Stay Safe X

Well that’s great. I got up this morning and my spine decides to get a mood on, leaving me in a lot of pain and discomfort and losing some sensation in my left leg. This normally wouldn’t bother me too much, as I’m used to it – it’s been an issue since I had a motorcycle accident in Nov ’03. I woke up the following day in hospital and since then it’s been a regular companion and problem in my life.

The issue is that I had a wedding to attend and a visit to see my daughter and my beautiful little granddaughter. I only get to see my granddaughter occasionally, although we do regularly video chat with her and my daughter. This wedding was a great chance to catch up on Mrs Bob’s family from up country. So you can imagine how fucked off I am to be laid up, whacked out of reality on some strong-ass prescription pain relief and muscle relaxants. I’m angry as hell because I’ve planned every little bit of the trip. Car serviced, once overed, then my body gives out on me. Folds faster than superman on laundry day, leaving me feeling like I’ve let down so many people. To my daughter, granddaughter, Mrs Bob & her family I’m very sorry.

Stay Safe X

Over the last few months, I’ve had an ongoing strange experience. I’ve started to receive messages from people who have followed me, read my posts and wanted to tell me how my words and thoughts have affected them personally, or a loved one of theirs who is on the Autism Spectrum. These comments have, so far, all been very positive, and I’m aware with the nature of the internet, this is not always the case.

These comments have really shocked me because I just happen to write about things I like or that I find funny. Sometimes I might share an autistic perspective on the events of my day. I started the website and social media feeds to advertise my poetry books, and occasionally to vent about autistic issues; that was all really.

It seems that people are finding what I post helpful and/or interesting and it’s blown me away to think that I’m having an effect on other people’s lives. I’m not entirely sure how to react to it. In one respect, I’m very happy to be raising issues faced by the ASD community and to be helping people. On the flip side, I’m very shy and socially awkward with compliments, and have no idea how to appropriately respond to the kind words people are saying to me. I’ve taken to asking Mrs Bob for help with this part as she always seems to know how to handle this kind of thing.

I would like to say thank-you so much to everyone who takes the time to read my online ramblings. You’re the ones that make this real and without you, I’d be just another voice shouting into the ether.

Your love, kindness and support is so much appreciated.

Stay Safe X

I have just returned from what can only be described as the trip of a lifetime. A vacation so mahoosive that this blog can’t possibly do it justice? Challenge accepted….

We begin where all the great stories and some of the bad ones do, in a galaxy far, far away. No, wait… we began this trip by taking our housemate and Mrs Bob’s favourite animal, Dog, to his cat hotel. Much yowling and crying ensued … and that was just Mrs Bob. She’s become very attached to our furry little git bag AKA Dog. While she was struggling with this transition quite a lot. I was very grateful for my neurodiverse brain and its very logical way of thinking about things. That way I can compartmentalise it and not become affected by things like this.

This meant we had 24 hrs to finish packing and get ready to begin our adventures. So, the following morning, at dawn, we piled everything into the car and drove with a cheery song in our hearts to Southampton, even managing to grab a flying visit to an old friend on the way and also find gluten free pizza once we arrived at the docks. to climb aboard our floating home-from-home for the next two weeks, the Celebrity Silhouette. Two thousand other people had the same idea, though, and it was chaos getting aboard, but we were soon installed in our beautiful cabin.

The ship was massive – I mean really massive – compared to the last cruise liner we travelled on. As we were welcomed aboard with champagne and smiles, I suddenly became anxious about the size of the place and getting lost within the labyrinth of corridors and rooms. Fortunately, Mrs Bob was at hand to help me get my bearings alongside handy 3D maps (see below).

We eventually found our stateroom and decided to sit on the balcony while we awaited the arrival of our cases. After a bit of a rest, we had the usual safety evacuation drill thingy you have on every cruise. This was horrific, there’s no other word for it. Even Mrs Bob struggled. There were deafeningly loud tannoy announcements and strobe lights flashing everywhere, which was very difficult for me, as I felt very disoriented by it all. Fortunately, I had my bright mint green wireless noise cancelling headphones which helped me focus on the job at hand rather than stumbling round like a drunk university fresher. Those headphones became my signature accessory on the cruise and I was recognised for them… even getting comments about where they were if I didn’t wear them!

After this formality, we set sail for the first port of call – Guernsey – and it was time to begin exploring around the ship while Mrs Bob relaxed her back (which was not good after the long journey down etc). I was in full explorer mode by then, having relaxed a bit, and found my bearings. I started by searching for the pool area and, most importantly, the bar. I must stress that working in the licensed industry, I actually don’t drink very often, maybe one in a month, if that. Plus I’m allergic to beer, lager & Guinness, but I was on holiday and out to enjoy myself! I found several of the bars that were dotted around the ship, and once I had a rough map of the ship in my head, and easily found our cabin again, I felt confident in finding my way around the ship.

It was also handy that right next to our stateroom was The Hideaway – an area with lots of quiet pods, seats and a freshly-ground coffee machine, so I did what I do best “I drink (coffee) and I read things”. It was so peaceful sitting there and seeing our new neighbours finding their cabins, and watching the really impressive – beautiful looking- lifts whizz up and down the 15 decks to one side of me.

So began the start of two weeks rest & relaxation. And travel. Lots of travel.

To be continued….

Stay Safe X

On New Year’s Eve, we gathered together or stayed at home to watch the world say goodbye to the last twelve months and everything it had brought with it, good or bad. We also celebrated the turning of the wheel and the start of another year on this planet, most people will have made some sort of resolution about their life over the coming year, be it losing weight, more exercise, giving up smoking or drinking less. Whether they stick to it is another matter.

This year, I decided that I would no longer sit idly by and let people walk all over me. I’ve been allowing it to happen in a certain situation for nearly 19 months. The person concerned has got away with murder and I’ve never once complained about them or their attitude and actions, which have really impacted on me.

It happened a bit early for me though, on New Year’s Eve. The person was again rubbing my face in the fact that that they are apparently better than me and could do what they want, when they want, without consequence. So, as the bells chimed and rang in the new year, I made a decision and took a stand for myself and for my dignity. This was my year, I decided, and I was starting it right. With that, I finally told certain people that I was unhappy with how I was being treated and asked that they look at the evidence presented and make the playing field level, rather than being stacked against me.

The outcome became irrelevant in the end, because I had finally taken a stand and made my voice heard. It may not have sparked a revolution within the establishment, but I’m setting a precedent for myself. From now on, I will stand up appropriately for myself – if I’m unhappy ill say so instead of being forced by my nerves and anxiety to keep quiet, and suffering from headaches, bad stomachs and being grumpy to live with.

So I guess I have done the “new year, new me” thing after all!

Happy new year to everyone reading this, and apologies for the late posting. I hope it’s a really good year for you all.

Stay Safe X

For those of you who don’t know who she is, Daisy Burton is a good friend of ours and was one of the guest poets in my last book, Scribblology V2.

Well Daisy’s back again, but not with her fresh brand of fiery poetry. This time, she’s done something completely different – her new novel is called Sensible, and it’s due for release in the near future.

“It’s 1995 and Jessica Munroe is 27.

Newly-separated, she’s always been known as Sensible Jess, but that’s all about to change.

Everything is possible for the new, reckless Jess now she’s discovered the internet. She is looking for adventure, and goes on a journey of discovery – of the world, of sex and of herself.

If only she knew just how much she’s going to face in the coming year – passion, travel and excitement are not necessarily all they’re cracked up to be…”

I’m very pleased to support this new book project by Daisy, and wish her every success with this fantastic novel.

As I have now started putting my ramblings into an audio podcast form, I thought I would try putting up a transcript of the podcast for easy reference.  This podcast, I talk about anxiety, depression and suicide, as it’s a very important subject.

Anxiety and Depression
These are both problems that affect a large percentage of the U.K. population.  It’s estimated that 20% of people will experience some form of depression at one point or another.  Often, people who suffer from depression have difficulty in sharing their thoughts and feelings, and this can be much harder for people like me, on the autism spectrum, as we can have difficulty in labelling, understanding and communicating our feelings.

Anxiety disorders
This is a particularly common theme among people on the autism spectrum.  It’s believed that 40% of autistic people suffer or have suffered from at least one form of anxiety disorder or another.

For me, things that a neurotypical person might take for granted can be a problem: answering a phone-call, or going to places like the supermarket and doctors, etc, can fill a person with autism with an almost crippling feeling of anxiety.

Suicide
This is a very dark subject and one that we really need to start discussing, rather than brushing it under the carpet and pretending it doesn’t happen. The fact is that suicide is the most common cause of death for men aged between 20-49.  This is all males, not just autistic males, but in newly diagnosed autistic adults, over 60% reporting contemplating taking their own life.

 

 

 

 

I have had an extremely relaxing week off before starting my new job… a week of endless possibilities! I could do so many things with this new-found freedom. “So what did you do, Bob?” I hear you ask. I did just what I wanted to do … I went to my local comic book store and spent some time geeking out. I went to my all-time favourite coffee shop which serves the best Creme Brûlée latte in the south Devon area. I even drove all the way to Bude with Mrs Bob and the mother-in-law who is back in the country for a while, while Mrs Bob delivered some training. This gave me a chance to practice my solo ‘small talk’ skills while we waited for my lovely wife. .

I ended up really relaxing, and focusing my mind on what was coming next. This new, exciting but quite daunting chapter of my life that is about to begin – Season Two., if you like. A new location, new cast members and very interesting bunch of people. I’m looking forward to this new challenge; I have spent a week getting ready for this challenge and, despite a few nerves, I think … no damn it, I know I can do it. .

My first night was, thankfully, a very slow and steady start, which was great. It gave me a chance to figure out what goes where and who’s who, etc. It will take me a while to remember the names of everyone I work with, etc, but I’m getting there and seem to be fitting into my new role very nicely. The other staff are young (in fact the same age as my kids!) but they know their stuff and need very little supervision, which is great news as I can focus on other tasks. The people are a really nice bunch,

All in all, I think I have found a very nice new job and I can’t wait to share the ramblings from season two with you all.

Stay Safe X

Today has been a very relaxed day; really a day of spirituality and of reflection. It began with a nice relaxed lie-in with a coffee and reminiscing with Mrs Bob. Before I go any further, I should point out that three years today was the day Mrs Bob and I stood before our family and friends and declared our love for each other and began this crazy journey that is our married life.

After a nice chat and opening cards, etc, it was time to do what I do every winter solstice – sit and watch the sun rise while reflecting on life and the last few months. You see, for me and many other pagans, druids, wiccans, etc, the winter solstice is an important sabbat or holiday. It signifies that, as the wheel of the year turns, the days will now become longer.

Then we decided to have a nice romantic lakeside breakfast before going up to the spa for an anniversary treatment. Now I’m an enlightened bloke and don’t mind going to health spas with my wife, but as an Aspie, I find them strange and awkward in all honesty. This was no exception. It began with the health questionnaire and small talk (I don’t mind the health questions, as they’re always about allergies and heart conditions it never says ARE YOU AUTISTIC? so it’s ok) but I really don’t do well at the small talk bit and that’s before the massage has even begun.

That’s when the real fun begins – the masseuse will try to tell you to get comfortable (harder than it looks) while they leave the room. Then the touching begins and lasts for what seems like an eternity. Fortunately, I wasn’t totally freaked out by the touching as it was a back and neck massage, and I was lucky that the masseuse wasn’t feeling at all chatty, so the only uncomfortable bit was when my lower back (near my butt) was being massaged. That was a tad awkward for me, as only one woman is OK to go there.  But we both felt generally very relaxed afterwards. We decided to have a spot of lunch and spent the afternoon watching some of the latest box sets we are getting into – Season two of the cop drama Ashes to Ashes.

We were so chilled out after the treatment, this was the perfect way to get ready for a gorgeous anniversary meal at the resort restaurant.  This was the highlight of my day.  A chance to enjoy some very fine food and drink and the company of my best friend and wife. This is somewhat of a rare treat for us, as we both have dietary problems and due to this we normally don’t go out to eat as it can be a nightmare for us; plus, if the kitchen staff/chefs should get things wrong, which can happen, it can make us very poorly or even hospitalise us. The chef had emailed us before we arrived, and had a special menu ready for us, including a new dessert he had specially made for Mrs Bob and boy did it have the wow factor. We really loved the meal and left feeling very full and ready to crash out in our room and get an early night…..

Stay Safe x