I would love to say, like some hipster, that “I had Asperger’s Syndrome before it was cool”  but I was beyond fashionably late to this party with a diagnosis at nearly forty years old.

The diagnosis is, for me and many like me, so much more than just a label or a stigma. It can be a source of pride, like a badge of honour, or a medal for surviving in this world. Aworld that, for me, can seem so chaotic, overwhelming, sometimes just plain terrifying. It can also be a part of who we are – our identity, if you will. When I meet a fellow Aspie, apart from the usual social awkwardness I also feel a sense of brotherhood with that person. We can be from different parts of this ball of rock but there is one constant. This person, unlike about 98% of all other people, sees the world in a similar way to me. We can sometimes face the same challenges, we likely think in a similar way, and, sadly in this day and age, we often have to campaign together on issues affecting the Autism Spectrum Comunity at large. Some people abhor the word, but I’m exceptionally proud to call myself an Aspie.

When I tell someone about my diagnosis, they sometimes have a rough idea of what it is. Some of their knowledge can be negative, largely in part due to high profile news stories, such as Gary McKinnon, Lauri Love or, more recently, Damon Smith. It’s not very surprising that the media forgets to mention that illustrious individuals such as Bill Gates, Charles Darwin, Jane Austin, Einstein, Alfred Hitchcock, Isaac Newton, Thomas Jefferson, Mozart, Thomas Edison & Henry Ford were all either Aspies or had autistic traits. This, combined with an ever-increasing number of documentaries and TV shows featuring people with both autism and Asperger’s, are slowly helping to raise public awareness that we are not all criminals – nor are we all geniuses. We are all different, just like all neurologically typical people are different.

Stay Safe X

This last week has been a very trying week for both Mrs Bob and me.  It began with my usual days off – my weekend, which is Monday and Tuesday. During those days, I have been working on a new, exciting project, which means I’m having to drag up a lot of things from my past. If you’ve read my anthology, Behind the Mask, you will have an idea that it’s not all unicorns and candy floss.

This has had a huge effect on my physical, as well as emotional, health as it’s made me relive things that I would rather forget. This, in turn, has caused me to suffer for days with really intense headaches, and they make me incredibly grouchy and hard to be around.  By Wednesday, I was not sure if I would be able to make it to work that evening, as it was heading towards migraine territory. I decided to go to work and at least try to take my mind off everything else. I wanted to see what was happening at work, as I was only on for one day before taking a day off to help Mrs Bob with her work. Surprisingly, I felt much better after being at work and catching up with my team before the road trip with my wife.

Thursday was going to be a long day for both of us, as we had to drive all the way to Southampton (about a three hour drive in good traffic) as Mrs Bob was giving a training session on the Friday, find the way into the car park (more tricky than it sounds…), check into our hotel and try to relax. It was actually quite a nice relaxing drive for various reasons. Mainly, I think that this was because I wasn’t going back to the Midlands, but also there wasn’t the unending, monotonous motorway miles that we face on the journey to see my family.

We arrived at the hotel and the manager noticed my Rick and Morty T-shirt so he began talking geek with me. If you know me, this is a language I’m very fluent in,  sad as it may seem. It was nice to be greeted by a fellow nerd.

We got settled into our room and relaxed.  For me, this was more writing, watching crap on Netflix and reading the Batman graphic novel I had brought with me before going to the restaurant for a bite to eat. Mrs Bob and I sat at the back of the restaurant, away from everyone else which I was grateful for, as eating out is socially uncomfortable for me, to say the least. The food was just what I needed and a favourite of mine when out, a mixed grill.  It saves me choosing one dish and lets me have a selection. A nice glass of wine and some really interesting conversation followed by ice cream covered in flavoured syrup… but no sprinkles damn it.

While Mrs Bob went back to our room to relax for the evening I did my usual routine when we stay away from home like this; I ordered a nice whisky (no ice) and followed it up with a large latte to take back to the room. When I returned, Mrs Bob was chilling out with the TV and talking to her best friend on text, so I decided to read and listen to a podcast for a while before joining her in watching a documentary interview on women on death row. Then a little Family Guy before calling it a night as we had a huge day ahead with training and driving back so I could hopefully get to work on time it was going to be very tight!

Next morning, we got up and got ready. Mrs Bob went through her mental checklist I’m sure and we were ready to go. The training location was about ten minutes away from the hotel so it was easy to find the place.  I helped her get set up for what she had to do that day, and then went and sat in the car to begin watching Fear the Walking Dead while I waited for the trainees to go into the classroom with my wife. Once they had gone in, I went and sat in their break room with my book, streaming TV and a large unending supply of caffeine to help me while the time away. I also got some more writing done before helping Mrs Bob pack up, and get ready for the mad dash home.

When I say mad dash, I mean it…  we were leaving Southampton at 1300hrs and had an over three-hour drive if traffic was good. I was due to start work at 1700 that night, meaning I needed to be at work for 1645 at the latest, so it was a tight timeframe.  The A35 on a Friday afternoon can be hellish… and it was. But the drive back was still a very relaxed affair for me as a passenger, with music, strange conversations and even stranger landmarks.

We arrived home with only enough time to take the cases in and for me to swap cars and go to work for what was going to be a very busy weekend indeed.  It culminated on Sunday with us running out of food and certain wines but with lots and lots of happy customers and some great live music. This was the perfect end to an exceptionally busy and trying seven days but on the up side, I have had two days to recuperate so that’s a bonus.

Stay Safe X

Over the last few days I have been very busy, not with my job, and although it does keep me busy, I get two days off back to back during the week.  While I thought it would mess with my routine, it’s not been that bad, and I have been able to use my free time constructively, writing.

The only problem is that I’ve had a headache for the last three days, culminating in the last day almost becoming a full-on migraine. I’m not sure what caused it; could it have been my writing – as it’s very personal and emotional. Or was it the fact that I have a stressful few days and a massive change to my routine at the end of this week including a day off work, lots of driving, and an unfamiliar bed? This got me thinking about whether there is a link between stress levels and my constant headaches.

I am aware that autism is a neurological condition that can cause the brain and nervous system to become hyper-sensitive to almost everything. Doctors seem to think that the filter that exists in a neurotypical brain is either missing or not functioning correctly in someone with an autism spectrum disorder, so literally everything gets through.  Hence, we can become very easily overwhelmed by what others would see as day-to-day normal stuff.

Now, a migraine is a neurological issue that doctors think might result from an over-active and/or sensitive central nervous system.  As someone on the autism spectrum, I would agree. I have dug a little further, and it turns out that there could be a very strong link between the two.

Please find attached the link below from Dr Marcus,

Dr Marcus Migraine Link

While I’m hoping you all enjoy reading my ramblings as much as I love to write  them, I have recently been getting very snowed under with running this and another website and all the associated social media pages. On top of this, I am also writing the occasional article for a magazine to help raise some awareness of Autism within The wider community.

“Alongside this, I have undertaken to write a second book, although this one is not poetry”..

This is to say that I haven’t gone anywhere, and I’m hoping you’ll stick around although my blogging will be a bit less in the next few weeks.  Please be patient, stay tuned and above all, stay safe x

Father’s Day is that one day of the the year where we get a card and some socks, smellies or a beer for our dear old dads and maybe pop round and let them know we’re thinking about them. For those of you who don’t know me, and some of those who do, I wanted to share a little story with you.  So, go to the toilet, grab a coffee and get comfy.  Ready? Then let’s begin.

This story goes back to when I was a young boy – about 9 – trying to come to terms with the fact that my birth father (from now on referred to as ‘Sperm Donor’ – the less said about him, the better) had walked out on my mother, choosing the night before Mother’s Day to go. My mother was trying her hardest to keep things going (and doing a bloody good job), and me?  Well, I was was just about to start the scariest time of any kid’s life: moving to grammar school. After a while, as well as working three jobs, my mother had started to attend a couple of social groups so that she could get out of both the house and work zones, and try to make some new friends. I remember being dragged along to a lot of these events: walks, meals at other people’s houses, etc, and if I’m honest it wasn’t my thing, but if mother was happy, that’s what mattered. What I do recall, though, is one of the guys there who was into running, long walks, music, etc, and who had a couple of kids who were about my age. This guy would end up being around quite a lot over the coming months and, if I’m honest, it was nice to have a father figure around, as Sperm Donor had vanished off the face of the earth.

This man ended up marrying my mother when I was in my early teens.  This was no easy feat for him, as I was not your usual, happy, friendly teenager at all. Over the years we butted heads repeatedly, but even after all that, he has supported me through difficult times, been there for me when no one else was, and stood by me no matter what.  This has extended to my children as well – they know him as ‘Grandad’ and didn’t realise he wasn’t a blood relative until their mid teens. They both had the  opportunity to meet Sperm Donor at a family funeral, but decided that, having watched his behaviour that day, they didn’t want to meet him as he’s not their real grandad.  He made no effort to speak to them.

This spoke volumes to me about the character of this man who had stepped up, taken me on, treated me as his own son and tried to help me, even when I thought i knew best. As a middle-aged man, I now understand how hard this must have been for him.  Then, last year, I had a phone call from my mother to say my dad (I hate the ‘step’ bit – he’s my dad in every way that matters)  had collapsed while playing walking football.  They had had to restart his heart a number of times, and he had been airlifted to hospital. He was in a bad way and needed major heart surgery once he was stronger.  Being a 4 hour drive away from where we live, I  began to realise exactly how I felt about this legendary man.  Yes, of course, like us all, he has his flaws.  None of us is perfect, but I began to think about what my family would be like without him. Fortunately, I haven’t had to find out as the operation was a success and he is back to his old self, for which I count myself lucky every day. I also realised that people like my dad are one in a million really.  He didn’t have to take me on and be a father figure when he married my mother, but he saw a kid with no male role model and stepped up to the plate like a real man.

So spare a thought this Father’s Day for the men who take up the mantle of being dad to someone else’s kids when the biological parent has abandoned them.  They often work – nay, battle – twice as hard to help mould the next generation of mothers and fathers.

To my dad – thank you for everything and I love you loads.

Stay Safe X

Two days off work and was really not sure what to do with myself during this time, so after some thought Mrs Bob and I decided as it was such a nice day that we would take a trip out to one of our favourite beauty spots. While we were there, we decided to get some pictures and share them with you here. Hopefully you will see why the south of Devon is such a popular tourist hot spot, and why I decided to settle down in this part of the world,  Enjoy.

As week two draws to a close and I begin week three at my new job, I thought I would take the time to sit down and share with you how things have gone so far. I now have two consecutive days off a week, which is kinda weird and has thrown my routine out, but I’ll get used to that I’m sure.  It may not seem like a big deal to the average person, but to an aspie, routine is a very key part of life.  Fortunately, it’s not affected me that much and it means wecan plan to go away for a night if we want to.  Every cloud has a silver lining, etc.

The place itself is a very cosy little affair complete with not one, but two real fires, which, even in the balmy English summertime, are occasionally lit.  There is something wonderfully primitive about the crackle, pop and smell of burning logs; watching the flames flickering, while outside the raindrops dance down the window panes.  This, combined with stimulating conversation on a number of subjects – and no, football is not one of them thank goodness, as I have no interest in the sport whatsoever. I’m talking current affairs, history, literature, etc, and then once a week we have some great live music from some very talented bands and singers.  Last week’s was right up my street, with covers of Greenday, U2, Blink 182, etc, and traditional hand-made, wood-fired pizzas, so you can guarantee the place is packed to the rafters and jumping, which is somewhat surprising, as we are tucked away off the beaten track.

All in all, I think that this is the way forward for me.  Even after just a couple of weeks I’m already starting to feel very settled and really comfortable.  I love it!

Stay Safe X

I’ve just finished my first week at my new place of employment, so what can I tell you about the first seven days, 168 hours or 604,800 seconds?  I’m part of a great team and I really love it there. I also get two consecutive days off – Monday and Tuesday. This is great because i get bank holiday Mondays off – something I’m not used to. This was especially good this week, as it was the anniversary of my 42nd trip round the sun. Having my birthday made me think.

I’m sure that most people really love having a birthday, but, as an Aspie, I was just wondering if anybody else has difficulty with their own birthdays. With each passing year I find my birthday more of a struggle. It’s not the day, per se, or the fact that I’m getting older, but I find all the attention I get on my birthday rather overwhelming and sooner or later I wish that everybody would just leave me alone. I also find getting presents from people other than Mrs Bob a bit of a nightmare, because it is a social minefield for me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious – did I seem genuine with my thanks? Will they expect some form of physical contact, like a hug? Above all, I generally just feel utterly exhausted by the end. However, people just don’t seem to understand why I’d rather be on my own on the day and they think I’m just being silly or modest when I tell them.

So I came up with an Aspie way to celebrate my birthday! It began with the usual ‘phone call from my parents, where they sing happy birthday to me. It usually drives me mad, but I have now realised that it’s well-intentioned and I should make the most of the time with my parents as I’m going to miss them when they’re gone. I chilled out with Mrs Bob and opened my presents from her; I got some great stuff: T-shirts, Batman books (always a winner) and decided what to do with the day, which is simple – go out for something to eat. No, before you think it, I’m not one for a five course gourmet meal with a side of pretension, I want to go to my favourite little vegan place. I’m not a vegan or veggie, they just serve the greatest selection of lattes i.e. Black Forest, Creme Brûlée, etc, and they make my favourite omelette with the greatest gluten-free bread. On top of that, I t’s a quiet little place with lovely owners, that almost feels like home. I followed this with some Xbox game time on The Division and then rented a new movie online. This is not to everyone’s taste, including Mrs Bob, but xXx The Return of Zander Cage is a film I’ve wanted to see and it’s my birthday after all.

I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter how you spend your birthday or who you spend it with, as long as you have a lovely, relaxing, stress-free time doing whatever it is you enjoy.

I have had an extremely relaxing week off before starting my new job… a week of endless possibilities! I could do so many things with this new-found freedom. “So what did you do, Bob?” I hear you ask. I did just what I wanted to do … I went to my local comic book store and spent some time geeking out. I went to my all-time favourite coffee shop which serves the best Creme Brûlée latte in the south Devon area. I even drove all the way to Bude with Mrs Bob and the mother-in-law who is back in the country for a while, while Mrs Bob delivered some training. This gave me a chance to practice my solo ‘small talk’ skills while we waited for my lovely wife. .

I ended up really relaxing, and focusing my mind on what was coming next. This new, exciting but quite daunting chapter of my life that is about to begin – Season Two., if you like. A new location, new cast members and very interesting bunch of people. I’m looking forward to this new challenge; I have spent a week getting ready for this challenge and, despite a few nerves, I think … no damn it, I know I can do it. .

My first night was, thankfully, a very slow and steady start, which was great. It gave me a chance to figure out what goes where and who’s who, etc. It will take me a while to remember the names of everyone I work with, etc, but I’m getting there and seem to be fitting into my new role very nicely. The other staff are young (in fact the same age as my kids!) but they know their stuff and need very little supervision, which is great news as I can focus on other tasks. The people are a really nice bunch,

All in all, I think I have found a very nice new job and I can’t wait to share the ramblings from season two with you all.

Stay Safe X

I had some important news from my eldest child the other day. She had put off telling me because she thought I would get cross and shouty. While it hurt my feelings a little to hear this, as I’ve tried many times to tell all my children that they can talk to me about anything, it also made me think about how children who have one or more parent on the Autism Spectrum can be affected by it. So, I decided to write this as if my children were reading it. Hopefully, one day, they will.

•  Firstly, and most importantly, do you understand what Autism is?

Autism is a neuro-developmental disability, which affects around 700,000 people in the UK. That’s more than 1 in 100 people (source :National Autism Society). In my case, it affects how I process information and emotions. Remember, though, it’s a spectrum and everyone with Autism is different. Still, some of the broad issues run through many people on the spectrum. Things like telling people what we need, saying how we feel, struggling with meeting new people and making friends, even understanding what other people are saying and thinking. I can’t read what your face is saying to me and sometimes your words don’t give me any clues. I have repetitive behaviour and routines, also I find it difficult to handle when people change plans that involve me.

Many Autistic people are not diagnosed until they are adults.  I was not diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome myself until I was in my forties.

I know that having me as a dad on the spectrum will have affected all of you in a number of ways.

•   My Dad doesn’t seem to understand if and when I’m feeling down or upset and I don’t know why?

As an aspie it can make it very hard for me to understand and process how people are feeling. You maybe upset or angry but I might not see this like other dads might, due to the fact that I can’t understand your body language or facial expressions. This can also mean I find it difficult to know if and when you need a hug. I’m not very good at hugging or close contact with anyone. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, because I do, I just don’t understand how you are feeling right now.

•  I can’t tell whether my dad is listening to me sometimes.

This is a very simple and straightforward one to answer. Just because I don’t look you in the eyes when I’m talking to you doesn’t mean I’m not listening or that I’m talking to someone else. it’s because I can find eye contact painful and hard to do. If I do, it can seem as if I’m staring, and this can feel awkward and embarrassing for both of us.

I’m sure that as kids growing with me as an autistic parent it might have been lonely, scary and confusing, I may have acted strangely and even had the occasional panic attack or meltdown while you were around. You might have been annoyed at me because I wasn’t cool or normal like your mates’ parents, If this is the case, I’m really sorry.

It’s important that you talk to other people about your experiences. It might help for you to confide in another adult – a friend or family member – about what is happening. Above all you can talk to me about it. I won’t get angry. I understand myself and my surroundings much better since I was diagnosed and settled down. For my daughters, your future children might be affected by this spectrum and it will be helpful for you to understand a bit about it.

Although I might not seem totally normal to you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I will always be there for you, and I love you more than you will ever know.

Stay Safe X