The Tenant in My Chest Doesn’t Believe in Moving Out

What’s the best way to deal with negative thoughts?

If depression were a person—
I think I’d meet them at dawn.

Not noon,
not when the world is loud with pretending,

but dawn—
when the sky is still deciding
whether it wants to be light.

We’d sit somewhere quiet.
Somewhere the shadows
are still stretching their long black limbs
across the pavement.

And I’d ask—

Coffee?

Black.
Bitter.
The kind that tastes
like the inside of my chest.

And maybe we wouldn’t talk.

Maybe we’d just sit there
with silence
heavy enough
to fold over us like wet laundry.

Because some silences
don’t sit politely between people—

some silences
press down
like a lead blanket
you didn’t ask for
but can’t kick off.

And eventually
I’d look them in the eyes and say—

Why?

Why do you stay so long?

Why do you set up camp
in the corners of my mind
like you’ve signed a lease
with my worst thoughts?

Because you laugh in places
that used to echo with music.

You sit in rooms
that used to be full of friends.

You whisper things like:

You’re not enough.
You’re not enough.
You’re not enough.

And sometimes
I try to fight you.

My fists clench like punctuation marks.
I swing at the air
like anger might connect with something solid.

Every punch saying:

Leave.
Leave.
Leave.

But depression
is the kind of opponent
that doesn’t bruise.

It just waits.

Cold fingers wrapped around the ribs
like it’s checking
to make sure my lungs
remember how to struggle.

And sometimes
I don’t fight.

Sometimes I hide.

Under blankets.
Under excuses.
Under the quiet lie of

“I’m just tired today.”

The world outside becomes muffled—
like life is happening
through three closed doors
and a wall of water.

But the worst part?

You never leave.

You’re not a visitor.
You’re a roommate
who never pays rent.

Sometimes I run.

God, I run.

Feet pounding pavement
like I can outrun the gravity in my chest.

I chase small joys
like they’re fireflies—

laughter with friends
the color of sunrise
the sudden miracle
of feeling okay
for three whole minutes.

But you—

you are always
one breath
behind me.

Breathing doubt
into the rhythm of my pulse.

So I wonder…

What if instead
of fighting
or hiding
or running—

What if I invited you in?

Sat you down.

Poured you tea.

Listened.

Maybe you’d tell me
about all the broken places
you were born from.

Maybe I’d understand
how you twist my memories
into evidence—
how every mistake
becomes another stone
in the pockets of my chest.

And maybe
in that strange understanding
we’d become something like dancers—

two tired souls
moving in a slow, aching waltz
trying not to step
on each other’s pain.

But listen—

If depression were a person
standing in front of me
right now—

I wouldn’t destroy them.

I wouldn’t run.

I’d look them in the eye
and say:

I know you’re hurting too.

But you don’t get
to be my whole story.

And maybe—
just maybe—

we’d call a truce.

A fragile one.

The kind where light
slips through the cracks
in the walls you built.

The kind where hope
doesn’t roar—

it flickers.

Small.

Stubborn.

Like a candle
that refuses
to go out.

(c)BobChristian

When Your Gut Knows Before Your Head Does

What’s a time you followed your gut and it turned out to be exactly right?

People often say you should trust your instincts, but if we’re honest, that’s much easier said than done.

Logic has a habit of barging into the conversation, armed with spreadsheets, pros and cons, and a long list of reasons why doing something completely mad is… well… completely mad.

Fourteen years ago, I found myself standing at one of those crossroads.

I’d met Mrs Bob and, after we’d been talking for a while, the conversation turned to something that, on paper, seemed utterly bonkers. I would sell up, leave my engineering career at Rolls-Royce Aerospace, and move 250 miles away to the beautifully strange little town of Totnes.

Think about that for a moment.

A secure job.
Family close by.
Friends I’d known for years.
A familiar life.

And I’d be giving it all up for a woman I’d only recently met.

If I’d listened purely to my head, I’d probably still be sat there making lists of reasons why it couldn’t possibly work.

But there was something else.

A quiet feeling deep down that simply said, this matters.

Not because it made logical sense.

Not because there were guarantees.

Just because it felt like the beginning of something incredibly special.

So I took the leap.

Looking back now, fourteen years later, I can honestly say my gut got it absolutely right.

Totnes has become home. I’ve become part of the local community, met some wonderful people, discovered opportunities I could never have imagined, and built a life with Mrs Bob that has been richer than I ever expected.

Of course, following your instincts doesn’t always mean everything is easy. There have been challenges, unexpected turns and moments where we’ve wondered what comes next. That’s just life.

But I’ve never once looked back and wished I’d stayed where I was, simply because it felt safer.

Sometimes your gut isn’t asking you to ignore common sense. It’s asking you to recognise something your heart has spotted long before your brain catches up.

Not every leap works out.

But every now and then, your instincts quietly whisper the truth before the evidence arrives.

Mine certainly did.

And for that, I’ll always be grateful.

Stay safe,

BC

When Breaking the Rules Isn’t the Biggest Crime

There’s a question that’s been rattling around my head lately.

The sort of question that turns up uninvited while you’re making a brew, staring out the window, or trying to switch your brain off at two in the morning.

It’s this:

If someone breaks the rules…
but does it to expose injustice, protect vulnerable people, or force society to confront something ugly it would rather ignore…

Are they still wrong?

Now before anyone starts clutching pearls and screaming “criminal apologist” into the comments section — hear me out.

Because history gets very awkward when we pretend the law and morality are always the same thing.

They aren’t.

They’ve never been.

Women fighting for the right to vote broke laws.
Trade unionists broke laws.
People hiding persecuted families during wars broke laws.
Civil rights protesters broke laws.

And at the time? Society often called them dangerous.

Funny how hindsight turns “troublemakers” into heroes once enough years pass.

Take groups like Anonymous exposing tax avoidance schemes or hacking corporations they believe are exploiting the system. Or activists protesting companies like ATOS over the treatment of disabled people during benefit assessments.

Now, I’m not saying every action taken in those movements was right. Some crossed lines. Some undoubtedly harmed innocent people. Some were driven by anger more than wisdom.

But here’s where it gets morally messy:

If institutions with power refuse to listen peacefully…
what exactly are desperate people supposed to do?

Sit quietly?

Wait politely?

Fill out the correct forms while people suffer?

Because one thing life has taught me is this:

People rarely disrupt comfort unless they feel ignored.

Most people don’t wake up one morning and think,
“You know what would be fun? Risking arrest.”

Usually there’s frustration behind it.
Pain behind it.
Sometimes desperation behind it.

And society has an interesting habit of condemning the reaction while conveniently ignoring the cause.

That doesn’t magically make illegal acts morally pure, of course.

Hurting innocent people is still wrong.
Destroying lives for “the greater good” is still dangerous territory.
Self-righteousness can become its own kind of tyranny if left unchecked.

But I do think there’s a difference between greed-driven crime and conscience-driven disobedience.

One asks:
“What can I take?”

The other asks:
“How do I force people to look?”

And perhaps that’s the uncomfortable bit.

Civil disobedience embarrasses society.
It pulls hidden things into the light.
It forces conversations many would rather avoid because they threaten comfort, power, or profit.

The problem is that morality isn’t tidy.

We desperately want clear villains and heroes because ambiguity makes us uneasy.

But real life lives in the grey areas.

A hacker exposing corruption may also break privacy laws.
A protester blocking roads may also stop an ambulance.
A whistleblower may ruin careers while revealing truths that needed exposing.

Human beings are complicated creatures carrying both good intentions and flawed execution in the same hands.

Personally?

I think intent matters.
Consequences matter too.

And perhaps the real question isn’t:
“Was the law broken?”

Perhaps it’s:
“Why did people feel breaking it was the only way left to be heard?”

Because if enough people are willing to risk punishment just to expose suffering, corruption, or inequality…

Maybe the bigger societal failure happened long before the protest began.

Stay safe,

Bc

I Keep Counting Anyway

Every morning
before the sun stretches itself across my window,
before my coffee tastes like anything but bitter,
happiness hides.

She’s crouched behind the blinds,
folded into the corner of yesterday’s pillow,
laughing quietly at me
as if I don’t know how to look for her.

I try.

I try like I know her favorite hiding spots,
like I know the exact way she breathes when she’s shy,
like I can coax her out with half-empty mugs
and songs that smell like home.

But she moves.

Slips under the fridge,
slides into the cracks of my bathroom tiles,
hides in the sound of my keys clattering
like she’s daring me to follow.

So I do.

I follow.

And sometimes,
just sometimes,
she peeks out
like a shy smile from a stranger in a crowded street.

For that moment,
my chest remembers what it’s like to be full,
and I swear
I hear the echo of her saying,

you found me again.

Then she disappears.

And I swear I’ll find her tomorrow.

Because happiness
isn’t something that knocks politely.

It is a professional hide-and-seek champion,
undefeated for as long as I’ve known her.

And me?

I am the kid counting with my eyes closed,
hands over my face,
promising the dark that I’m still playing.

Every morning,

before the day can tell me who I need to be,

I start searching.

(c)BobChristian

The Right Book at the Right Time

What’s a piece of media (book, movie, song) that changed how you see the world?

This is a very tough choice, truth be told.

There’s obviously The Watchmen, my first ever graphic novel, which started a lifelong love affair with comic books that’s still going strong today.

Then there’s String Theory for Dummies, the book that accidentally sparked a conversation with what is now Mrs Bob.

Both of those deserve posts of their own, and I’m fairly sure I’ve rambled about them before.

But if I had to choose the one piece of media that genuinely changed the direction of my life, it would be…

Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham.

This book came into my life at exactly the right moment.

At the time, my life was an absolute mess. I was going through a particularly nasty breakup, carrying around a lot of anger, hurt and resentment. Looking back, I also realise I was an autistic man who hadn’t yet been diagnosed, trying to make sense of emotions I simply didn’t have the tools to process.

Then someone showed me kindness.

A witch, who had once found comfort in the very same book herself, passed it on to me.

It wasn’t a book about casting spells that changed me.

It was a book about responsibility.

About balance.

About understanding that every action has consequences.

The lesson that has stayed with me happened shortly afterwards.

My ex broke into my home, took a lot of our belongings and trashed much of what she left behind.

The old me would probably have jumped in the car, driven straight over there and made the whole situation infinitely worse.

Instead, something clicked.

For the first time, I understood that anger wouldn’t repair my home.

It wouldn’t replace what had been stolen.

It wouldn’t heal what had happened.

All it would do was make me ill, and give the people who had hurt me the satisfaction of knowing they’d got exactly the reaction they wanted.

Walking away wasn’t weakness.

It was peace.

That one lesson changed everything.

It led me to read more about Wicca, which in turn eventually led me towards Mahāyāna Buddhism. Although they’re very different paths, both encouraged me to slow down, look inward and understand that my mental and physical wellbeing are deeply interconnected.

Those philosophies helped me become a calmer person.

A happier husband.

A better father.

A better grandfather.

They’ve also influenced the way I write, the way I see people, and the compassion I try to show others.

Without that one book…

Without the kindness of the woman who first placed it into my hands…

I honestly don’t know where I’d be.

There’s every chance I’d have let my anger make decisions for me.

And when anger starts making your decisions, the ending is rarely a good one.

Sometimes the books that change your life aren’t the bestselling novels or the classics everyone studies at school.

Sometimes they’re simply the right book…

Arriving at exactly the right time.

Stay safe,

Bc

Most Storms Pass

What’s the best advice you’d give to someone younger than you?

The older I get, the more I realise that life isn’t about avoiding mistakes.

It’s about surviving them.

When we’re young, every setback feels enormous. Every wrong decision feels permanent. Every failure feels like the end of the world.

It isn’t.

Trust me.

You will make mistakes.

Some small.

Some spectacular.

Some that will keep you awake at three in the morning replaying conversations that happened years ago.

At the time, those mistakes will feel overwhelming. You’ll be tempted to react immediately, to panic, to assume everything is ruined.

But very rarely is anything as catastrophic as it first appears.

Pause.

Take a moment.

Evaluate the situation before reacting.

Ask yourself what can be learned from it.

Because that’s really all any of us can do.

Learn.

Adapt.

Move forward.

The same applies to relationships.

At some point, someone will break your heart.

At another point, if you’re honest with yourself, you may end up breaking someone else’s.

Neither experience is pleasant.

Both hurt.

And in those moments it can genuinely feel as though the world has ended.

It hasn’t.

The sun still rises.

Life keeps moving.

And eventually, so will you.

What feels unbearable today often becomes the lesson you’re grateful for tomorrow.

That doesn’t mean the pain isn’t real.

It is.

But pain has a strange habit of becoming wisdom if we allow ourselves to learn from it.

Looking back, many of the experiences I once wished had never happened turned out to be the very things that helped shape me into who I am today.

The failures taught resilience.

The heartbreak taught empathy.

The mistakes taught humility.

None of it was wasted.

So if I could offer one piece of advice, it would simply be this:

Don’t sweat the little stuff.

Life is going to throw enough challenges your way without you carrying the weight of every minor inconvenience as well.

Most things work themselves out.

Most storms pass.

Most worries never become reality.

As a Buddhist mantra reminds us:

Dhairyaṁ, kṣaṇa kṣaṇa, siddhiḥ.

Patience, moment by moment, brings accomplishment.

Sometimes growth doesn’t happen in giant leaps.

Sometimes it happens one difficult day at a time.

One lesson at a time.

One breath at a time.

Keep going.

You’ll get there.

Stay safe,

Bc

Father’s Day Isn’t About Biology, It’s About Showing Up

Today is Father’s Day here in the UK, and I’d like to use my little corner of the internet to give a huge shout-out to a man who is technically my stepfather.

Although, after nearly forty years of being there, I think we can safely dispense with the “step” part.

Because here’s the thing.

Anyone can create a life and become a dad.

But it takes a different kind of man to step into a child’s life and choose to stay. To take on the responsibility, the worry, the sacrifices, the school runs, the advice, the support, and all the other things that come with raising children who aren’t biologically your own.

That takes character.

It takes commitment.

And it takes love.

The older I get, the more I realise that fatherhood isn’t defined by DNA. It’s defined by presence. By consistency. By being the person who turns up, day after day, year after year, regardless of whether anyone notices or says thank you.

My stepfather did exactly that.

Not only did he help raise me, but he also became the only grandad my own children have ever known. He’s been there through the milestones, the celebrations, the challenges and the ordinary moments that, when you look back, turn out to be the ones that mattered most.

The truth is that parenting can often feel like a thankless job. You invest your time, energy and heart into other people and rarely stop to count the cost. Most of the time you simply get on with it because that’s what love does.

So today, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for sticking around.

Thank you for stepping up.

Thank you for treating me as your own.

And thank you for showing my children what a grandfather looks like.

Father’s Day should be about celebrating the men who choose to be present, whether they are fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers, foster parents or father figures. The title matters far less than the impact.

And finally, a quick nod to all the fur parents out there too. The dog walkers, the cat feeders, the sofa sharers and the treat dispensers. I see you.

Happy Father’s Day to all those who show up, stick around and make a difference.

Stay safe

Bc

The Little Things Are the Big Things

What’s a common misconception people have about happiness?

One of the biggest misconceptions people have about happiness is that it arrives with success.

That somehow happiness is parked in the driveway beside the flashy car, hidden behind the front door of the big house, or tucked away in a bank balance that resembles the GDP of a small country.

The truth?

Most of the happiest moments in my life have cost absolutely nothing.

They’ve been the quiet evenings sat on the sofa until 2am with Mrs Bob, not doing anything particularly exciting, just enjoying each other’s company. They’ve been impromptu dances on the beach on a Sunday morning. They’ve been sunny afternoons sat in the shed with Tiddles, listening to the world go by.

No fireworks.

No fanfare.

Just moments.

The trouble is that we spend so much time chasing the next big thing that we forget to appreciate the small things already sitting right in front of us.

Happiness isn’t a destination. It isn’t something waiting for us once we’ve earned enough money, bought enough possessions, or impressed enough strangers.

It’s a state of mind.

A choice to notice the warmth of a cup of coffee, the laughter of someone you love, the comfort of a familiar companion, or the peace of a quiet afternoon.

Life is made up of little moments.

The secret is realising they were the important ones all along.

Stay safe,

Bc

Becoming the Photographer I Pretended to Be

What is one way you have grown this year?

If you’d asked me at the start of the year what I was, I’d probably have answered, “A poet cosplaying as a photographer.”

Photography has always been something I loved, but if I’m honest, I never really took myself seriously. I was happy enough wandering around with a camera, taking pictures of birds, nature, and whatever happened to catch my eye, while quietly convincing myself that “real photographers” were other people.

This year, I decided to change that.

Rather than treating photography as a hobby I occasionally dabbled in, I made a conscious decision to push myself outside of my comfort zone and see what would happen if I actually gave it a proper go.

As it turns out, sometimes the universe rewards you for taking a chance.

Earlier this year, I was offered a place on the photography team at a local event. It might not seem like a huge thing to some people, but for me it was a turning point. It was the moment I realised that perhaps I wasn’t just pretending after all.

Don’t get me wrong, imposter syndrome still likes to whisper in my ear from time to time. It tells me I’m not good enough, that I’m making it up as I go along, and that sooner or later someone will realise I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

The difference now is that I no longer believe it.

I’ve learned that growth isn’t about becoming fearless. It’s about taking the next step despite the fear. It’s about backing yourself, taking opportunities when they appear, and accepting that occasionally you’ll stumble along the way.

And if I do fall?

I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again.

So the biggest way I’ve grown this year is simple.

I’ve finally become the poet and photographer my business cards have been insisting I was all along.

Stay safe,

Bc

To My Younger Self

What is something you wish you could tell your 20-year-old self?

If I could tell my 20-year-old self one thing, it would be this: keep going. Life feels confusing, overwhelming, and at times completely impossible right now, but things do get better.

 The struggles you’re facing aren’t because you’re broken, weak, or failing. The truth is, it’s not schizophrenia or bipolar disorder at all — it’s autism, and understanding that will eventually make so much of your life make sense. 

So stick at it. One day you’ll look back and realise you survived far more than you ever thought you could.

Stay safe,

BC